Bobbleheads

Of all the useless Wizards related things I collect (and I do collect a lot of useless Wizards related things), my favorite thing to collect is promotional bobbleheads. This past New Year's Day I added our first round draft pick from this past June, Bradley Beal, to my collection, just before the Wizards fell to the Dallas Mavericks and a franchise worst 4-26 through 30 games. Bradley is bobblehead number 23 (if you include bobblebellys and bobblehands in that number and you count Steve Buckhantz and Phil Chenier as two bobbleheads) and is now sitting comfortably among the other bobbleheads and nesting dolls on the shelf in my hallway.

Kwame Brown, Gilbert Arenas and Steve Blake nesting dolls. In this case, sort of a cousin of the bobblehead.

In case it doesn't become abundantly clear in the next few paragraphs, let's get one thing out in the open: I LOVE bobbleheads. I'd say I love bobbleheads more than my friend Larry loves robots, which if you asked Larry, is saying something. I base this observation, by the way, on the fact that when I go to Larry's I see no robots, but when I come home, I see a lot of bobbleheads.

I remember the first time I ever saw a bobblehead. It was shortly after we moved to this country and settled in Connecticut at my friend Greg Taxin's house back in my hometown. Greg's family were transplants from Los Angeles and I remember Greg had an L.A. Dodgers bobblehead. I'd never seen anything like it; we just didn't have anything like bobbleheads in England. It was one of those uniquely American items that fascinated me after I first moved to the U.S. Little did I know at that time, but bobbleheads had sort of come into the mainstream of American culture through Major League Baseball in the 1960s and early 1970s but they were totally off the coolness map by the time we arrived here in 1979. But from that first Dodgers bobblehead, I knew I had to have one someday. I've definitely completed that goal.

The 2004-2005 team's starting lineup. How did our best team in the last 12 and a half years have Jared Jeffries starting at the 3? The Gilbert Arenas bobblehead still talks. And in case you are wondering, iPad face detection does pick up the faces of bobbleheads.

The first bobblehead I ever owned was a bobblehead of Pete Slosberg, who was the co-founder and namesake of Pete's Wicked Ale. I saw it either in a catalog or more likely on the bottom of a six pack holder and just had to have one. That bobblehead actually has a plaster head. It took me about four tries to get one shipped from the manufacturer to my apartment in Cooperstown before I got one with an intact noggin. I still have that bobblehead somewhere at home but it doesn't sit in my Wizards bobblehead collection, which has become sort of a mini-obsession. I will not miss bobblehead giveaways at Verizon Center. I believe I have every Wizards bobblehead given away by the team since the 2002-2003 season with the exception of Jerry Stackhouse, which I did own at one point. When Stack shut himself down in the 2003-2004 season I got so disgusted with his lack of commitment to the team that I pitched that one. My standards have relaxed since then; I still have my Andray Blatche bobblehead even after his pathetic display last season.

In case my love of bobbleheads seems extremely unusual, let me point out I'm not alone in being extremely unusual. Dan Grunfeld wrote an excellent article last year about his grown-man love of bobbleheads. Dan is a former Stanford basketball player who has player professionally in Europe and Israel. Just like me, he is drawn to the shoddy promotional bobbleheads given away at basketball games which sometimes look nothing like the players they are supposed to be. If you read the article, note that Dan has many of the same bobbleheads I have in my collection, probably gifts from his dad Ernie Grunfeld, who is the Wizards' general manager. I'm sure Dan didn't earn all his Wizards bobbleheads by showing up early to games, of which half or more were likely miserable losses. Yes, I'm a little resentful here. I suffered for some of these bobbleheads.

This is the worst starting five I could assemble with my bobbleheads: Juan Dixon and Mike Miller in the backcourt; Jarvis Hayes and Andray Blatche at forward; and former number one overall pick Kwame Brown at center. Blatche's bobblehead is the most lifelike I have. At least Dray got something right in his time in DC.

I like my bobblehead collection because it reminds me of some of the players who have gone through our organization and have contributed to past successful seasons in the event I can't really remember back that far. They are also really cool pieces of Americana so even though they do absolutely nothing other than sit on a shelf, they make me happy in their own small way. There are some great players in bobblehead form on my shelf: Antawn Jamison, Gilbert Arenas and Caron Butler all made multiple all-star appearances while in Wizards uniforms and Wes Unseld and Earl Monroe have had their numbers retired by the franchise. I also have our current television announcers, Steve Buckhantz and Phil Chenier, as well as our mascot, G Wiz, who is arguably the best mascot in the NBA.

But despite having franchise legends in bobble form, my favorite bobble in my collection is actually the bobblehand of DeShawn Stevenson. That's right: bobbleHAND. The team created this essential piece of Wizards memorabilia because DeShawn used to wave his hand in front of his face in a "I can't feel my face" motion when he hit big shots. Over the years, DeShawn provided Wizards fans with some of our best moments in our on and off court rivalry with the Cleveland Cavaliers and LeBron James. For his unwavering commitment to hating that rival, I will love D-Steve forever. I was actually offered $100 for this bobble right after the game they were given away, a vicious beatdown of the Cavaliers in the 2009-2010 season. I declined the offer which I considered a joke and would have even if I thought it was a serious offer. No way would I part with this one.

23 and counting. I'm hoping for a set of five Wizards bobbleheads to add to my collection later this season.

DeShawn Stevenson: I can't feel my faaaaaaace!