A Haters Guide To The New Celtics

The Boston Celtics are in town tomorrow night to play the Washington Wizards. This is a big deal, right?

It is for me. I had this date with the Celtics circled on my calendar as soon as last season ended. Never mind that we didn't know the specific date until mid-August. I couldn't wait until John Wall, Bradley Beal and the rest of the Washington Wizards renewed their rivalry with the hated team from Boston. I was dying for our team to have their next crack at Isaiah Thomas, Jae Crowder, Avery Bradley, Kelly Olynyk, Marcus Smart and the rest of the Celtics here at home, a game that I was sure (after how many home wins in a row?) that would result in a W for the Wizards. Heck, maybe it would even be another funeral game, something we managed to pull off but the Cs...well, not so much.

But then the summer happened. Kyrie Irving wanted out of Cleveland and the Celtics made it happen. The Celtics also coveted Gordon Hayward and needed to free up some cap room. Isaiah Thomas? Gone to Cleveland. Jae Crowder? Also gone to Cleveland. Avery Bradley? Traded to Detroit for Markieff Morris' brother (seriously?) and then to the Clips for Blake Griffin. They needed cap room, remember? And speaking of cap room, no bucks to re-sign dirty-player-in-residence Kelly Olynyk (now in Miami) or Amir Johnson (gone to be part of the process in Philly). Of the 13 players who appeared in more than half of Boston's 18 playoff games last year, nine are no longer with the team, including four of the five starters. And this was a number one seed team.

So if you are like me, maybe you are questioning if you really hate the Celtics any more. Trust me, you do. And I'm here to help. Let's get ready for tonight's game by taking a look at who will be out there on the court taking on the Wizards tomorrow. There's plenty not to like.

 

Tier 1 Players to Hate: The Leftovers

By the leftovers, I mean those players who played any significant role in the Wizards' second round playoff loss to the Celtics last year. Let's go in order of most hated to least hated.

Marcus Smart: If there's a Public Enemy No. 1 on the recent Celtics teams as far as the Wizards are concerned, it's Marcus Smart. Without his toughness on D, I'm not sure Marcus Smart has much of a profile in the NBA. But it's precisely because of his toughness and his willingness to mix things up that he is both in the league and at the top of most Wizards' fans' least liked players list. For me, it starts with Smart giving Bradley Beal a concussion and broken nose in a game in January of 2016. Follow that up about 10 months later when he got John Wall ejected based on a questionable and potentially (from this fan's point of view) embellished foul. Then after the Celtics eliminated the Wizards from the playoffs last year, Smart claimed John Wall's legs "were gone" in game seven of their second round series. Reserve your loudest jeers for Smart tomorrow, folks.

Al Horford: Summer 2016. Relatively weak free agent class. Tons of dollars available that offseason for like every team in the NBA. The Wizards' top two targets? Nicolas Batum and Al Horford. Batum, apparently was not interested in even sitting down to listen to the Wizards, preferring to stay in Charlotte of all places. But this post is not about Batum. Horford dragged it out a bit but ultimately picked the Celtics based on the hard sell by guys like Isaiah Thomas and Jae Crowder (Ha! Ha!). After the decision, it was reported by ESPN's Adrian Wojnarowksi that Horford might have preferred the talent in Washington to Boston. No kidding! But he still chose Boston, blaming it on the fans who show up at 601 F Street.

 

If don't hate Horford enough for (a) picking the Celtics over the Wiz and (b) saying Wizards fans suck, remember he managed to strategically place his foot where it had no business being to make sure Markieff Morris sprained his ankle in game one of our playoff series last year. Horford can be as dirty as Smart. Make sure he's booed loudly tomorrow.

Terry Rozier: OK so I admit it. After Smart and Horford, there's not a lot to dislike about the Leftovers. If you are searching for something on Terry Rozier (and I am; I really am) remember his tussle with Brandon Jennings in last year's playoff when both players got tossed in the same game Kelly Oubre went after Kelly Olynyk. Yes, this was a Brandon Jennings moment at its finest and Rozier did nothing wrong really except to fall for Jennings' bait but it happened nonetheless and I can find some way to call it a continuation of the Olynyk thing. I'll be booing Rozier.

 

As an aside, I loved Brandon Jennings last year. He is a complete a**hole sometimes. But last year, he was our a**hole.

Jaylen Brown: The only thing I got here is Jaylen Brown was a significant contributor as a rookie to the Celtics beating the Wizards in the playoffs. How come the Wizards never have rookies that make a difference in the playoffs. Yep, all I got here is jealousy. I still hate Brown for being associated with the bunch that knocked us out last year. Again, booing!!

 

Tier 2 Player to Hate: Kyrie

So do I really need to write this one? All Wizards fans should despise Kyrie Irving for two reasons: (1) he was drafted by the Cleveland Cavaliers with the first of three number one picks in four seasons as compensation for LeBron leaving Cleveland and embarrassing Dan Gilbert into that childish Comic Sans font rant on the internet and (2) he's frequently compared favorably to John Wall as one of the best point guards in the NBA; he even made the All-Star game before Wall despite being drafted a year after Wall.

 

So, first things first. Yes, I'm being a conspiracy theorist with the Cavaliers and number one picks. But come on...

 

Secondly, Kyrie is no John Wall. They are both point guards, right? Point guards get assists, right? Kyrie don't pass. Kyrie's high assist average in a season? 6.1. John Wall high assist average in a season? 10.7. Sorry, maybe we should do this a different way. John Wall's low assist average in a season is 7.6. That's 1.5 assists per game higher than Kyrie's high. Want to do rebounds? Kyrie's never averaged 4.0 for a season. Wall's only season below 4.0 is this current one. Steals? Wall takes Irving every year. Same in blocks. The only thing Kyrie does is score. Point guards are supposed to make his teams better. How good were Kyrie's Cleveland teams without LeBron? 33 wins good in their best year. Awesome. For me, Kyrie slots between Smart and Horford on the hate meter.

 

Tier 3 Players to Hate: Making Up Slights

Honestly, there's really no good reason to hate on anyone else on the Celtics, but we can always try, even for players who haven't played all year. Here goes, we'll be quick and we'll go in order of most hated to least hated.

 

Aron Baynes: I know what you are thinking: who? Last season Baynes knocked Kelly Oubre out of a game when he gave KO a concussion when Baynes was playing for Detroit. Dirty play? You didn't hear it from me but you can be the judge by watching it on Fanrag Sports Network's post about the play.

Gordon Hayward: You will not get to boo Gordon Hayward in the game tomorrow because he's still recovering from that gruesome broken leg suffered opening night earlier this year. So why on Earth could we possibly not like Hayward? How about he beat John Wall in the Skills Challenge at All-Star Weekend last year? I told you I was reaching.

 

Jayson Tatum: Two things here and really neither of them are hate-worthy but look I'm still reaching, OK? First, Tatum went to Duke University and nobody and I mean nobody (except Duke students and alums) likes athletes from Duke. Yes, I get Kyrie sort of went to Duke too but I can't even count that stint there. Second? He's Bradley Beal's guy from St. Louis and Beal is going to congratulate Tatum if he has a good game, even if it's a loss. I hate that. What happened to hating other teams no matter the personal connection?

 

Marcus Morris: Speaking of guys on our team who don't hate certain opponents...In January of last year, Marcus Morris beat the Wizards on a buzzer beater while Morris was playing for the Pistons. So what was twin brother Markieff's reaction from the Wizards side of things? How about hugs and smiles for his bro and some congratulations after the buzzer. And Marcus hit the shot over Markieff. How about some team loyalty? How about walking to the locker room with a simple handshake? Again, what happened to hating other teams no matter the personal connection?

 

Everyone Else

So by this time in the post I'm exhausted from all the hating and I've covered the top eight (plus someone who should be in the top eight) on the team already. I'll stop now because there's no reason on Earth for me to hate anyone else on this team (if I've even made a valid case for the nine I've named so far).

 

I gotta think Wizards fans have to make some noise to let this team know how much we hate them. I have implore fans (and I've said this before) at a minimum to get after Al Horford for the shade he threw at all of us in the offseason in 2016. There's no reason we shouldn't be loud and intimidating as a crowd tomorrow night. Yes, I know there will be tons of Boston fans there. I don't care. There will be more of us than there are of them. Let's make them feel the hate from the introductions before the game until the final buzzer goes off and caps a home team win. This is our moment Wizards fans. Let's not disappoint. After all, I went to all this effort to tell you how to hate.

Playoff Villains

I first bought Washington Wizards season tickets in the year 2000. I've been there for this team every year since. In 2005, the franchise rewarded me as a season ticket holder by making the playoffs for the first time this century. That would be the start of a four year run in the postseason that featured just one series win, the very first one played vs. Chicago in 2005.

Once Gilbert Arenas, Larry Hughes and Antawn Jamison got by the Bulls that first year, we ended up in a series with the number one seeded Miami Heat. Despite the sometimes close scores, it was not much of a series and it lasted just four games. The Wizards despite all their good play that year were no match for Shaquille O'Neal, Dwayne Wade (42 points in the series clincher) and company. It was a domination. After a 4-0 nothing sweep during the regular season, the Heat made it 8 losses in a row in a single season for the Wiz. It was humiliating. And just like that Shaq became my first Wizards playoff villain.

For the next three years, I forgot all about Shaq even while he and the Miami Heat won a Championship the very next year. For the next three years, the playoffs and hating people on the other team were all about LeBron James and the Cleveland Cavaliers. The 4-5 matchup in 2006? Cleveland-Washington. 2-7 the next year? Cleveland-Washington. 4-5 the year after that? Cleveland-Washington again. 4-2. 4-0. 4-2. Three first round playoff losses to the Cavs back to back to back.

So let's be honest. LeBron was generally speaking really good at basketball those three years and that can totally make a playoff villain. But that wasn't it with LeBron. It was the whining, crying, babyish, smug way he won. It was whispering in Gilbert Arenas' ear before a free throw. It was protesting every call. It was telling referee Danny Crawford that Brendan Haywood was trying to hurt him (Haywood was ejected). It was taking Darius Songaila's hand and hitting his own face and then flopping mercilessly (Songaila was suspended). It was all the nonsense that James used to get his way over and over and over again. As if playing the games on an even playing field wasn't enough. 

It was those three years that will make me never root for this guy. I'd rather have JaVale McGee win a title before I see LeBron win another. It was those three years that put LeBron in a category by himself as the ultimate playoff villain. And then it was over. No more Wizards playoffs for six years.

Nice flop, LeBron! Got Songaila suspended for game six though.

2014. New team. No more Arenas-Butler-Jamison big three. Enter John Wall, Nenê, Trevor Ariza, Marcin Gortat and Bradley Beal. Two rounds and out. Beat Chicago; lost to Indiana. The next year? Ariza out, Paul Pierce in. Two rounds and out again. Swept Toronto and bowed out to Atlanta. Those two playoff runs were great and when they were over Wizards fans were buoyed by the fact that if it wasn't for John Wall's broken wrist, there may have been an Eastern Conference Finals berth in there.

But one thing they didn't produce for me were any playoff villains. Jimmy Butler maybe due to his tete-a-tete with Nenê that got our big man suspended or Al Horford for his game winner in game five of the Atlanta series. But it's difficult to despise teams you beat handily like Toronto in 2015 and the Bulls the year before and honestly the players on both the Pacers in '14 and the Hawks the year after were just difficult to dislike those years. No villains there for me.

So now it's 2017 and the Wizards are back again in the second round of the playoffs and locked in a battle with the Boston Celtics after taking care of the Atlanta Hawks in six. And holy crap there are so many guys on these opponents to thoroughly loathe it's amazing. There are villains all over these teams. I knew I'd feel this way about the Celtics but honestly I had no idea that I cared enough about anyone on the Atlanta Hawks to dislike them even slightly. I guess it's the competition that bring this stuff out.

On the Hawks side of things, let's start with Dennis Schröder and Kent Bazemore. Both are decent players but they both clearly both think they are way better than they actually are. The whooping and celebrating by Bazemore when things are going well drives me crazy and Schröder even suggesting he's in the same league (metaphorically speaking that is) as John Wall makes me laugh. Bazemore also gets no love from me for the push in the back on Bradley Beal in game six after Beal made a layup. I'm really not sure Beal fell due to the push but the very act of pushing a defenseless player to gain no competitive advantage when he's in a dangerous and vulnerable position is dirty. That could have turned out really badly.

But the guy on the Hawks who I loved to see sent home for the summer was their so-called All-Star power forward Paul Millsap. Since he got his game handed to him in game one (19 points but just 2 rebounds) by Markieff Morris on Easter Sunday, Millsap had a good series, averaging 24 points and 11 boards over games two through five and dropping 31 and 10 in the Wizards game six clincher. He for sure some damage to the Wizards but that's not why I was glad to see his season over. It's the whining, crying and flopping he did on and off the court that's got me upset. This dude's supposed to be an All-Star and one sub-par game against Kieff and he's complaining like the second coming of 2009 LeBron James. Good riddance.

If the Hawks got my blood boiling a little, there's no comparison to how I'm feeling about the Boston Celtics right now. I expected this. I mean there have been regular season in-game and post-game run-ins with Jae Crowder and Marcus Smart the last two years, two role players who use their physicality to gain an upper hand every now and again against opponents. This year featured Crowder poking John Wall in the nose after a game in Boston and Boston police standing between the locker rooms minutes later. The Wizards followed that up with the funeral game, one of the simultaneously silliest, immature and awesome stunts any Wizards team has pulled ever. It helped that the game was a Wizards blowout.

In this series Crowder and Smart have been doing their usual things but honestly other than Smart undercutting Bojan Bogdanovich on a three point attempt in game one and two consecutive flops for fouls from the same guy against John Wall in game two, those two have been pretty quiet. By the way, why don't superstar calls apply to John Wall? How is he getting whistled for two questionable calls back to back? And does the NBA still fine for flopping? It seems like that was either an official short term initiative or they've just gotten tired of fining. 

But there is no shortage of playoff villains on the Celtics side of things. Al Horford made sure his foot was well-placed under Markieff Morris to knock Kieff out of game one before Smart tried it with Bogey later in the same game. But the two guys who are going to have me yelling the loudest tomorrow afternoon are Isaiah Thomas and Kelly Olynyk.

So let's face it, Thomas is good. On offense. I don't understand how this dude hits half the stuff he hits around the basket. The only thing I can think is that his release comes from a spot vertically that is so much different than any other player in the NBA that no defender can get the right angle to defend him properly. But he's also taking his shots when he can under the protection of the refs and the rules I guess. The jumping backwards into Kelly Oubre bloodying Kelly's mouth in game two minutes after hitting Otto Porter in the nose with his head got zero fouls. And the constant yapping from a guy who can't D up makes me nuts too.

But let's also face it, Kelly Olynyk is just plain dirty. And I guess he's smart enough to get away with it most times. Olynyk is going to draw a lot of booing and I'm sure some things way less civil than booing tomorrow evening after his shoulder to the neck screen on Kelly Oubre made our Kelly lose it and get suspended for bumrushing and knocking down Olynyk in game three. But that's not the first time Olynyk has done something like that. He had a raised forearm to the neck screen on Oubre about two minutes earlier in Thursday's game and you can ask Kevin Love about his broken arm courtesy of Olynyk a couple of years ago. I have to believe Verizon Center's crowd will be doing everything they can to make this guy feel insecure tomorrow.

In the NBA, rivalries are made in the playoffs. Forget divisions and the regular season; there is nothing like a playoff series to solidify some hate between two teams. The only thing that makes these rivalries more heated is throwing a couple of guys out on the other team that you just plain love to hate, some villains that you want to see get what's coming to them on every play if possible. We got that in spades this year in Schröder, Bazemore, Millsap, Crowder, Smart, Horford, Thomas and Olynyk, although the kind of nastiness Olynyk is known for has no place in this game.

Game four is tomorrow. Let's tie this thing up, Wizards, then go to Boston and take game five.